What I Don't Say About My Depression

1. I am tired. All the time.

Not the tired like you haven’t slept all night. It’s the tired that is world-weary. Sometimes I feel like it has settled into my bones.

2. My days are measured out in blocks of time.

If I do not plan out my day in blocks, I will not get out of bed, and you will not see me that day.

3. I buy wet wipes for the days I can’t shower.

If anyone has had a depression severe enough, or even mildly enough, you probably know about this. Wet wipes are my lifeline during certain stretches of time. This probably sounds gross, but it is the truth. These are always bought in bulk because I know how I can get.

4. Sometimes, I do not like eating.

The smell will make me nauseous, even if it is my favorite food. That is when I know it’s getting really bad. If I can force myself to eat one thing during these days, it’s something to celebrate.

5. I self-isolate.

There is a difference between liking being alone and isolating yourself. I like to be alone, but I like it too much sometimes. The balance between the two is something I have not figured out yet.

6. I almost killed myself once.

I do not talk about it. With anyone. Maybe one day, but not today.

7. I have a hard time liking myself.

If I don’t like myself, how do others look at me and see something worthwhile? I am still working on this. Some days, it seems virtually impossible.

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8. I close my eyes while driving.

This is more of an intrusive thought than anything else. I don’t do it every time I happen to drive somewhere.

I don’t like having people in the car with me, regardless.

9. I have hurt myself before.

It was a relief to know I could still feel something. The physical pain gave me something to connect to when the mental pain couldn’t.

No, I am not telling you to hurt yourself. I am only writing what it felt like for me. This is one of the few things I have gotten some control over. I’m proud of myself every day for it.

10. I am a firm believer in God.

But sometimes, I can’t help but be angry with Him. Why would He allow us to feel so much so deeply? What are we supposed to do with it all?

This is a particularly hard one to deal with sometimes.

To be very honest with you, I don’t really know why I wrote this. Maybe this is my way of speaking up when I could not force the words out of my mouth. The words don’t form the way I want them to when said out loud. Also, I can be a lot blunter when writing, and that helps in a way talking can’t yet.

Maybe, this is a reassurance to someone that they aren’t alone in what they feel. One of the best ways to start working through depression, at least in my case, is to know that someone else has felt what you felt and is still able to live a beautiful life. You can live that too. It just takes time to see it.

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